Harder than I thought

I wanted to do a post yesterday as a memorial to Matthew Shepard (http://www.matthewshepard.org/site/PageServer). Rather than write something on the day he died, I thought it would be better to celebrate his birthday. However, all I could manage to do was to make a donation and ponder my current situation.

I lived most of my adult life in a cocoon of sorts. Living as a gay woman in the Bay Area, and even here in Seattle, enabled me to surround myself with people I could trust implicitly and explicitly. I never had to question that these people, whom I love, would ever vote to make the lives of gay people anywhere more difficult than they already are. I marginalized straight people, picking and choosing my companions with ease. I was purposefully isolated, and life was good.

Then I had the wonderful fortune to fall in love with the most wonderful man in the world. He is beloved of my friends and welcomed as family, and I've been lucky enough to be welcomed into my DH's family as well. But I find myself in a quandry.

One problem is that I had a community, but there is no real "straight community". The only communities I can recognize are the subcultures by ethnicity, but none seem as cohesive as the gay community. I traveled the world by myself, yet never felt alone because there "family" was everywhere. Now, I don't feel that way - or I do, but I'm not really a part anymore.

Still, I'm meeting people whom I like - a lot - but then I find out that they actively vote to hurt the people I love - MY family. So, what do I do? They're not openly hostile. I don't think any of them would physically attack anyone. Still, it's not very comfortable. I keep thinking about what Dr. King said (paraphrasing) that, in the end, it's not the words of our enemies we'll remember, but the silence of our friends.

All this is coming at a time when my body is going through hostile changes - like it's Icarus and has to get to the sun as fast as possible. Doesn't make it easy to stay sane or rational. Over-reactions are the norm, and I just feel like screaming or crying or both.

This is a whole new world for me. I'm not in my comfy ghetto anymore, and I'm not sure how to live here, but it's my life. I wouldn't trade my love, my life, for anything, so I just have to learn to cope without disappointing Dr. King. I don't want to be a silent friend, but I don't know how to be heard, either. It just makes me so sad.